Disappointment

At this very moment, I am experiencing one of the lowest points in a long time. Disappointment is indeed one of the worst feelings one could possibly feel. Complementing it would be anger, confusion and sadness. Angry because you are not satisfied, confused because you cannot understand how they could do that to you, and sad because they had hurt you. The magnitude of this disappointment is determined by the person/people that had disappointed you. Family being the ultimate cause of the ultimate disappointment. With that said, I am experiencing one of the lowest points in a long time.
But you can never stay mad at them, or give them the cold shoulder for long. You just grill the beef eventually and carry on. I know that it is a good thing, because a happy family is one that sticks together, and never holds grudges. However, shrugging the issue that makes you unhappy time and time again makes them think that it is acceptable. That you are okay with them being the way they are to you. So sometimes, times like these, I want them to know that it is not acceptable. That I am not okay. When I told you, I TOLD YOU, that I really wanted this and you take that away from me, it isn't funny. It isn't okay.
The power of words retains whether they are spoken by family, friends or a random stranger. The sting is just a million times more painful when they are from your own flesh and blood. Sometimes they get unbearable and a piece of you just dies inside. Somehow, I expect more from them. I expect them to understand me more. Especially when I have clearly showed how much I wanted this. Instead, you said hurtful things. I know that you do not mean it. (Though at times I have doubts that maybe you actually do.) But you said it, still. Why say hurtful things just for the fun of it? Because we are family, I am not supposed to let it get to me? How miscontrude... It has the direct opposite effect.
You would think that the family bond is one that never wavers. Unbreakable. But being bounded by genes and blood does not necessarily mean that. One can feel emotionally apart from the family as well. Literature taught me that what you feel inside is more significant than what you show on the outside.
Other times, the family may not be appreciative of you. When you work so hard for a grade and instead of congratulating you, they put you down by asking why couldn't you have done better. No, it is not motivational. It is just depressing. You tend to question: will anything be enough anymore? An yet another piece dies inside. But there are just that many pieces. Let me not see the day when all these pieces die. Then I cannot call you my family.
Then there are double standards frequently practiced. For you, in return for a distinction is a demand for even better, and most of the time unrealistic grades. Not even a 'well done', once in awhile. For another one of your sibling, in return for a pass, just a pass, is a pair of new soccer boots. And at late nights and you are starving, they only buy food for one sibling, claiming they didn't have enough money to buy any for you.
How could one not wish that he was switched at birth or adopted, and his biological parents are desperately tracking him down as we speak? How could you not not be tempted to rebel with equally rude remarks, just to protect your own pride and dignity? Tell me how could you ever truly love people who treat uou this way? Who hurt you and know that they do, but just do it anyway? You must have forgotten that daughters are humans with feelings too.
Maybe I am just being a big baby because my family never really have big problems. Most of the time we are happy, which therefore makes times like these seem unbearable, makes you want to run away from them and express your pain to an alternative family. A back-up family perhaps. Reality states that the family is the one that you run to when the world crumbles down you. But where do you run to when the family lets you down?
You run to blogger of course.

Disclaimer: This is not a plea for counselling. But more for a family that respects me and geniunely cares for my well-being. A plea of a better family.

Know this: The Simpsons is the longest running prime-time animated series on television history.

Been There, Done That

Didn't think I will get away this week with a post of just pictures, did you? Well lately, there has been a lot of things going on. Too much to post about and a little too insignificant to share.

However, Monday is a pretty special day. The new batch of junior college students are coming! How exciting... It will be great to see new faces. Quite frankly, this excitement is selfish. Finally, we get to feel like we have the upper hand, a little more experience, a little wiser. For we are the seniors.

I remember my first few days in SAJC. So unfamiliar, timid, awkward and out of place. Like a square peg in a round hole. One of the most uncomfortable experiences ever, alongside the other 'firsts' in my life. Sends chills down my spine just thinking about it. With that I am thrilled that I have successfully gotten past that. I met great friends to keep me company during the breaks, I have a CCA, I know the teachers and vice-versa, I know the different blocks by heart, I know the schedule for the buses to the school, I know all the ways to get home from there, I know what Moodle is. I am settled. So familiar, no longer timid nor awkward and very much in place. Like a square peg fitted nicely into its rightful hole.

For me, coming from a secondary school where I was very much part of the school, and the school part of me, makes a new environment like this strange and difficult to adapt to. People do not know me here. So this transition is the hardest for someone like me. From being a somebody to a nobody.

I guess what I am trying to convey is, if I can do it, anyone can. Of course the awkwardness will make you want to wail "I want to get the hell out of here!" but you just have to suck it up. Moreover, remember that you are not the only one feeling afraid. No longer will there be the first-3-months kids that will prance around as the know-it-alls. Everyone is in the same boat as you. (Well except the DSA kids, but that is just a small portion.) Everyone will pull through, together. I believe there is great comfort knowing that you are not alone.

Bottom line, things will get better and everything will turn out o-tay! Believe you me, Fresh Meat. Believe you me.

Know this: There are over one hundred billion galaxies with each galaxy having billions of stars.

Painting A Thousand Words

Chinese New Year Dikir Barat SAJC Open House
Banner Painting

Know this: Male goats will pee on each other in order to attract mates.

Kita Orang Melayu

Dikir Barat with my fellow Malay Cultural Society during yesterday's Chinese New Year Celebration in SA was phenomenal, to say the least. The energy, the adrenaline rush... It was indeed a fantastic feeling. The fact that we were able to pull this whole thing off with time constraints, conflicting schedules and hectic time-tables, is unbelievable and very commendable, I must say. Though it was not we-can-so-thrash-other-dikir-barat-groups-in-SYF great, the audience was absolutely entertained, which was what really mattered in the end. A memorable performance for them, as well as for us.
I must admit, in that moment, and all the times that we spent practicing together especially on the full dress rehearsal day, I was very proud to be malay. The stereotypes and prejudice about the malays prevalent in the society today really do make it hard for me to feel proud all the time. Given opportunities like these, I am more than glad to showcase to people the 'semangat' of the malays. We may not be known for our intelligence or lucrative professions, but I believe that the malays are instrinsically good-natured; we are truthful... to say a few. Of course there will be those that go astray, but that is only a fraction of us.
Being heavily influenced by the Western culture through the media, it is unfortunate that I never initiate opportunities like these to fall in love with my own culture. It is unfortunate that I need to be reminded of how endearing my culture can be, during Hari Raya(s) and malay performances. Really, it is not my fault considering what we are constantly exposed to when we walk in Orchard Road or on the steps of Marina Square leading to the Esplanade.
However, I now realise that I have always loved being a Malay. That is why my closest and best friends are of this race, that is why I am always excited to go for Malay lessons, and enjoy it most when I showcase traditional performances, rather than Western dances. Honestly, the CCA I wanted to be in Junior College has always been Malay Dance. Unfortunately SAJC does not offer that. So MCS will do.
I would like to take this opportunity to express my deepest gratitude to Jannah for everything-- from the choreography, the garnering of overwhelming support from our fellow malay student body in SA, to the costumes! You are great. You are amazing. And of course the rest of the dikir barat performers for their dedication and co-operation. You guys really came through this time. The performance did much more for me than just an opportunity to be on stage. It made be believe in the Malays. For someone like me, it is huge.

Know this: In an agricultural society, the dikir barat was performed as a ritual or celebration of the rice harvest season.

Give Me Strength

Our first week of school just ended today and it is needless to say, a hectic one. So many assignments due in the week (on top of the incomplete holiday assignments), Milestone Assessments. Then there is the Chinese New Year performance that the Malay Cultural Society is putting up this year. There is just so much to do. I barely had a breather throughout this ordeal and there were many points in this week were I cracked and just wanted to throw in the towel. But it was only the first week.
Strangely, on the first day of school, although it was exciting to see everyone again, it never really felt like I had been away for 2 months. More like a 3-day weekend and then we are back. Back to the same canteen food, the same environment, the same subject tutors, the same people, the same everything. Perhaps when the J1s enrol then things will be more interesting. As for now, the awareness that there has been little, if not none at all, changes made, makes me pray for the weekends to arrive more quickly.
Anyway, because of the hectic schedule and the MSAs, I had to skip some of my track trainings. I feel so guilty everytime I am not training with the rest. Even though I try to persuade myself that skipping the trainings was necessary, in view of upcoming examinations, my conscience is still not convinced. I feel rather estranged in the track team now. They seem quite cold towards me recently and I believe there had been meetings or information that were not disseminated to me, as I am probably labelled as the 'inactive member'. The one that does not care. Oh, how I wish they knew how much I actually really do care. Otherwise, it will not be eating me up inside. Or maybe I am just being paranoid.
But I have to prioritize, don't I? We are student athletes. 'Student' comes first. I am not sure what it is, but just seeing any of my team members in the canteen or along the corridors during school, makes me feel very guilty. I have never been the sort to skip trainings and such, ever. This must be why it is exponentially difficult for me to tell my Captain that I will not be able to attend training or that I cannot help out at the booth during the Open House. I have other commitments, such as MCS and my studies, certainly. Furthermore, I feel, sometimes, I am not really needed at track. I am the only girl, so Coach cannot form a girls' relay team. Recently he has been training the boys in baton passing. Only the boys. I was just standing next to Coach, laughing at the boys because they had cramped faces as they pretended to run sitting down, with their legs stretched out straight in front of them. It looked painful. But then again, how would I know? I was not part of it. Any of it. Moreover, in Track, I am only a member, so when it came down to Open Houses or Carnivals, I have to be there for MCS, where I have an actual role with delegated responsibilities to handle there. And where I feel significant, needed, comfortable and genuinely happy. I really hope my track members understand.
So why the hell do I feel so darn bad? Am I just being hard on myself? But I do find my reasons justifiable, then why can't I seem to go to sleep at night without thinking whether skipping the day's training would affect the 80% attendance rate, which I must achieve for recognition? I just wish that CCAs will be suspended as soon as possible so I can focus on my studies without having a heavy heart on an unfateful Monday,Tuesday or Thursday.
With everything that has been going on in just this one week and the foresight of what to expect in the year, I am tired and afraid. Stressed is an understatement, as I am significantly weakened. I am not sure how much longer I can keep this up. This is not easy.

Please give me strength and tell me that everything is and will be ok.

Know this: Touching and stroking a plant will aid in it growing healthily.

Hindsight

As expected, everyone I know is scrambling through their holiday assignments and revision, as is yours truly. The nerves are kicking in, "Am I going to make it?".
Procrastination really takes the best of you after something as intense as Year 1 of college with the horrendous Common Test results and the Promotional Examinations, where stressful was an understatement. With less than a week left to the reopening to school, I am more than half-way through the holiday assignments. I tried to revise as I did the work so my revision is progressing too, I suppose.
The revelation of the whole experience is the amount of work I have completed in a day. With the pressure of knowing that school is starting real soon, I force myself to sit and finish the assignments and in just one day, I had a lot of work done. So I beat myself over the thought that if I had done it on the first day of the school holidays, I would not have to worry as I am doing now. If I really disciplined myself and was conscientious, all my assigments would be done by the 3rd week of the holidays.
Now I realise that it is not fair for me to mistreat myself this way. I am just saying this with the benefit of hindsight. I know now, only now, how screwed I am, that is why I wish I could turn back time. However the truth is, if I did go back in time I would not have changed a thing, because I would still want to enjoy myself and work-out in track trainings. I would have pushed my responsibilities back the same because I would want to have fun first before getting down to business. Similarly to what has already happened, I would be way to busy to think about the consequences of procrastination. I know the consequences. Everybody does. I know I will be screwed. But I was not sure of the level of 'screwed' I would be in. On the 'you-are-screwed-o-meter', I would say I am about a 7.5. But I chose to think positive and convince myself that I can finish my assignments (with quality, mind you) and revision in the nick of time.
Now that I realise that my feat will not be an easy one, I do wish I had more discipline than I do. It will be a race against time. But it is the holidays. Everybody gets ahead of themselves during the holidays. The current me has the advantage of hindsight that my past self does not. So I have to cut myself some slack. I cannot waste my energy panicking. Because the truth of the matter is, if I was my past self, I would have done the same thing. Unfortunately.

Know this: The coconut is the largest seed in the world.

2009 will be Mighty Fine

A whole year has passed already. 2008 has indeed been, arguably an incredible year for me. 2008 was mighty great! The highlight of that year would have been being an official Saint. It was a life-changing decision to enrol there and I never regret it. Things may be tough, and God knows it will only get tougher next year, but tough is good. Tough prepares you. Tough strengthens you. Tough pushes you to your potential. Tough is good, for you. Hence, I am thankful for 'tough' in SAJC. I am thankful that my best friends in SAJC are intelligent and fun. I am thankful that the teachers are nice and cool. I am grateful that 13 points did not qualify me for the Science stream, or else I would have considered it and probably not do as well in the subjects. I guess things definitely have a way of working out for the best.
2008 was also a year of firsts. It was the year I first took the Singapore Flyer with my family; the year that I first started splurging on dresses (a big move for someone who often settled on T-shirts and jeans); the year that I have MY first camera; the year that I first take any transportation to school; the year that I read more than one book and the year I became an official blood donor (I am a B+). And who could forget? 2008 was also the year that I went to my first ever concert-- Rihanna baby! I will forever cherish 2008 and the many great things it had instored for me, both the good and bad times.
The uncertainty of the future is always fun to anticipate. 2008 has taught me, more than any other years past could ever had, that anything can happen, even when you do not necessarily plan for it. Although, as much as I believe in fate, we can always change things for the better.
I reckon 2009 will pass by doubly quick as I will be sitting for a gig-enormously important examination. It will also be the exciting year that I will have yet another graduation night. It will also probably be the year that I get my first job, right after my 'A' Levels. And many more exciting life-changing events will come my way, I am sure. Who knows, 2009 could be the year I meet Chris Brown and he discovers his love for me and proposes to me? Do not scoff! It could happen...
My new year's resolution? To marry Chris Brown. Go ahead and laugh, because I do not believe in resolutions. We should always try to be better people and no need to declare that. Just be.
So I decided to start the New Year with a hair cut. I loved my curly long hair but it began to be a hassle washing it, preparing it for a day out. The hair-dresser went out of her way to blow-dry my hair then straighten it. I thank that China lady for her hard work, effort and patience. So, temporarily I have straight hair, until I wash it. Do not be fooled by the smiles in the pictures below, as I really do miss my curls terribly. The smiles are attributed to 2009 being the first year that I have straight hair, even if it is just for a day.Know this: By donating just one pint of blood, four lives can be saved.