Unfixed

Not a good day today, at all. And if I hear one more of those "You work so hard but how come it does not seem to reflect in your grades?" remarks, I am going to grab the nearest blunt object within my reach and literally hit that person who made that comment so hard and many many times until he dies, before I swallow that blunt object myself and just choke to death.
I am starting to lose faith in myself because I am starting to lose faith in You. Apparently, You do not bring good things to good people. Not anymore at least. You did not come through for me this time. I know You will forgive me for this, so I am very disappointed in You for not being there for me when I needed You the most. I did my part, but where were You?

Your promise:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you

~ Cold Play

...unfulfilled.

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How could You do this to me? To me.

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Know this: The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.

Mummy...It's Over!

Block Test 1 did not end on a very good note, considering the Economics paper was a tough one. Nevertheless, it did end. Thank Heavens!
No more slaving at 3am in the morning, writing out concepts into my notebook and closing my eyes, as I attempted to memorise what I have written. Man, does it suck to be a tectile learner. I have to write out everything in order to study effectively. A long-ass survey was done in my secondary school days revealed that tectile is my learning style. And it is true, I do study better when I write down the notes.
Now thinking about how much effort I actually put in to prepare for this last paper, I must express my sadness and disappointment in myself for not being able to nail the paper. Truly, it is only when I enter college that I realise hard work does not always pay off. You actually have to be smart to get good grades. Understandably, that would be hard to swallow, for someone who has always worked hard for her grades.
Anyway, the tests are over, for now. I shall savour this brief moment that is carefree, appreciate nights free of toss and turns, and embrace this time when I can breathe easy.
Plus (I cannot believe I am about to declare this!) but I actually miss school- the tutorials, lectures and the people, certainly. I cannot wait for everything to go back to normal. Normal is always good, for me.

It is ridiculous the amount of time I spend thinking of this somedays.

Know this: You breathe about 10 million times a year.

Nothing to Say to You

Today I participated in yet another All-comers Athletics Competition, in the 100m event. This time I am positive that I did not perform well. Be it my absence in last week's trainings due to the Block Test, or the fact that Coach was not there to pressure me, I am certain that the outcome of the race was very disappointing. On a lighter note, I saw that adorable boy again, the same one I saw exactly a month ago. I was also reunited with several of the people from my past: my primay school Track and Field Coach- Mr Lim; Aqila!; Lee Chong Loon! and Eva from primary school. It was indeed a pleasant surprise to see them all there.
And so the March Holidays are here. I have lessons and assignments during this holiday. So go figure my attitude towards it... Excited, not.
Honestly, my fellow readers, I cannot be insightful these past few posts without revealing too much about the things I know I cannot reveal to you. So if you should find the content of my updates uninteresting or self-indulgent, I do apologize. But I hate leaving you people hanging, especially my friends who I rarely meet up with. Similarly, I use their blogs to find out how life is treating them.
Anyhow, I do not find this blog an appropriate place to tell you things that are important to me, information that just reveal too much about me. And it is not just one thing. It is a series of things. And not all of them are bad things. Some of them are wonderful things. While others just eat me up inside. And I beg of you not to speculate.
I am sorry that I have nothing 'juicy' to say to you. I just do not know you that well. And if I do, you probably already know.

Know this: In 1985, a pregnant women was falsely accused of shoplifting a basketball.

Keep On Keepin' On

Life has been very unkind this week. What emotionally-draining week it has been. Never had I let out or wanted to let out so many tears before, in such a short span of time. Countless instances when the only thought that was going through my head was 'Stick a fork in me- I'm done.'
Year 2 of JC life has been taking a real toll on me lately, and I am starting to have doubts if I can ever make the coveted grades. They seem so out of reach right now and for some- impossible. And it is not even the assignments that I am worried about. It is more about the magnitude of the 'A' level itself that completely freaks me out. I manage to do the work and discipline myself, or whatever, but in the end, I seem to reap the same old pathetic grades. Honestly, it scares me that I might just give up one day. I might crack and not want to do this anymore. I am no longer confident in my own threshold. I am no longer confident that I can do this. It suddenly hit me that there is a possibility of me failing the 'A' levels; there is a possibility that I might not qualify into a University.
As I received my H1 Malay Result today, I was utterly disappointed and was at a loss for words. I told myself not to let out any tear today because enough tears have been wept already this week. I am currently contemplating if I should sit for the 2nd attempt of the paper this June. I was quite confident when I was in the CC that I was not going to retake it. Then, as I stepped out and gained a little more perspective into the situation, I realised that I had not done myself justice with that paper. I knew that I did not give my absolute 100%, which was a ridiculously stupid and moronic move, considering how important the examination really was. What the hell was I thinking? So the predicament continues...
I need strength to accept everything. I need strength to pick myself up and carry on from all these failures. I need hope that promises everything will be all right. I know giving up is not an option because I have already chosen this path, so there is no turning back. It has come to the point where you have to swallow your pride and just do what you have to. It is unfortunate how I need the tightest slap reality could ever give someone to remind myself how real this all is.

I am worried and I need You more than ever.

Know this: The word Nike comes from Greek Mythology. Nike is the goddess of victory and was often depicted as a small winged figure whom the goddess Athene carried.