Figure of Speech: Apathy

I had my Malay 'A' Level examination yesterday. I thought it was manageable. But somehow, this was the first time I was actually rushing for time during a Mother Tongue paper. Usually, I will finish the paper half and hour before the end of commencement but this time I used every minute of the 3 hour paper. It could be thorough checking, or maybe I was struggling with the answers. Fortunately, there were no blanks that I left out. I just filled in whatever I thought was right in that moment. Then a brief discussion about the paper with my friends and mother, only to find out that some of the anwers were wrong! Screw it.

That has been the attitude throughout the Mother Tongue examination, I feel. Screw it. I really did not take the paper as seriously as I know I should have. I do not know what got in to me yesterday. The desks were neatly set up, the air-conditioning was on and the hall was silenced. Still, those factors did not phase me at all, the way that they used to. I would blame it on the terrible flu I had. It was so embarrassing. The hall was so quiet you could hear a pin hit the floor, and there I was, blowing my nose away. Damn the dripping mucus! And I was drinking so much water to 'push' the mucus down (I do not know if there is any science- sense it that.) and it only resulted in a full bladder. I had to pee at 10:15am if i remember correctly. I told myself, after answering this question, raise your hand and go the toilet. I answered the question on my paper and I decided not to raise my hand because there were no girl teachers around me at that time. When 2 female teachers did come and stood around me, I still did not raise my hand because I was too shy to walk down the stretch of aisle, between friends who were still doing the paper. I was one of the first few front ones, so there were a lot of people I had to pass by before I can get to the exit door. So, that's right. You guessed it! I held it in until 11:34am. I actually thought I felt kidney stones forming as I patiently waited.

So my experience during the paper was a bad one. I could hardly recall myself doing the paper. I really did not give a damn about the paper and I still do not. Maybe it is the fact that I know I can take it again next year, although I absolutely do not want to. Maybe it could also be the fact that MT does not really matter in the rank points system. I do not know. And I just do not care anymore.

Some would say it is better this way, because I should not get too affected by this examination. But whose to say that I would not be affected by the results I will receive afterwards? Gosh, what happened to me? Every examination was a matter of life and death for me. And now, I treated an 'A' Level paper with such apathy.

God, help me. Let's just hope that it just a phase I am going through. These are the last few days in school and I am just tired. And sick. I am sick and tired. Give me strength to carry on.

I want to care. Really.