Give Me Strength

Our first week of school just ended today and it is needless to say, a hectic one. So many assignments due in the week (on top of the incomplete holiday assignments), Milestone Assessments. Then there is the Chinese New Year performance that the Malay Cultural Society is putting up this year. There is just so much to do. I barely had a breather throughout this ordeal and there were many points in this week were I cracked and just wanted to throw in the towel. But it was only the first week.
Strangely, on the first day of school, although it was exciting to see everyone again, it never really felt like I had been away for 2 months. More like a 3-day weekend and then we are back. Back to the same canteen food, the same environment, the same subject tutors, the same people, the same everything. Perhaps when the J1s enrol then things will be more interesting. As for now, the awareness that there has been little, if not none at all, changes made, makes me pray for the weekends to arrive more quickly.
Anyway, because of the hectic schedule and the MSAs, I had to skip some of my track trainings. I feel so guilty everytime I am not training with the rest. Even though I try to persuade myself that skipping the trainings was necessary, in view of upcoming examinations, my conscience is still not convinced. I feel rather estranged in the track team now. They seem quite cold towards me recently and I believe there had been meetings or information that were not disseminated to me, as I am probably labelled as the 'inactive member'. The one that does not care. Oh, how I wish they knew how much I actually really do care. Otherwise, it will not be eating me up inside. Or maybe I am just being paranoid.
But I have to prioritize, don't I? We are student athletes. 'Student' comes first. I am not sure what it is, but just seeing any of my team members in the canteen or along the corridors during school, makes me feel very guilty. I have never been the sort to skip trainings and such, ever. This must be why it is exponentially difficult for me to tell my Captain that I will not be able to attend training or that I cannot help out at the booth during the Open House. I have other commitments, such as MCS and my studies, certainly. Furthermore, I feel, sometimes, I am not really needed at track. I am the only girl, so Coach cannot form a girls' relay team. Recently he has been training the boys in baton passing. Only the boys. I was just standing next to Coach, laughing at the boys because they had cramped faces as they pretended to run sitting down, with their legs stretched out straight in front of them. It looked painful. But then again, how would I know? I was not part of it. Any of it. Moreover, in Track, I am only a member, so when it came down to Open Houses or Carnivals, I have to be there for MCS, where I have an actual role with delegated responsibilities to handle there. And where I feel significant, needed, comfortable and genuinely happy. I really hope my track members understand.
So why the hell do I feel so darn bad? Am I just being hard on myself? But I do find my reasons justifiable, then why can't I seem to go to sleep at night without thinking whether skipping the day's training would affect the 80% attendance rate, which I must achieve for recognition? I just wish that CCAs will be suspended as soon as possible so I can focus on my studies without having a heavy heart on an unfateful Monday,Tuesday or Thursday.
With everything that has been going on in just this one week and the foresight of what to expect in the year, I am tired and afraid. Stressed is an understatement, as I am significantly weakened. I am not sure how much longer I can keep this up. This is not easy.

Please give me strength and tell me that everything is and will be ok.

Know this: Touching and stroking a plant will aid in it growing healthily.