Almost Doesn't Count

The tailor called my mother this morning announcing that my graduation night gown was ready for collection today. I was ecstatic upon hearing the news that even with the gloomy and dismal atmosphere, which has been the case every single day, I felt like it was still a beautiful day. I was set on coming home after the paper, get ready and then collect my baby. However, that did not happen.
I was so upset about the paper today that I was in no mood to collect the dress. Frankly it wasn't just today's paper, it's just the whole course of this battle, that I seem to be losing. I was tired and I just hated the weather. There was no way I was going to face my dress in this condition. I want to feel good about it. I want it to be a beautiful day, from start to finish. So I will collect it on Sunday. I need to sleep on this heart-wrenching feeling and rejuvenate before I can ever smile again.
There's just something about the dreadful weather these days that amplifies the level of sadness I feel after a bad paper. It's like as if as I try to suppress every tear from falling, for fear that someone might see me and try to console me and create all that hooplah, the sky let's a drop of rain fall on my behalf. Why should one risk embarrassing oneself when the day is doing all the crying for you.
Before today, I had this bad habit of going through the paper that I have already set for and see where I have gone right and wrong. What I could have done, what I should have done. For some reason, for me, I feel better knowing how I fared, regardless the accuracy, then to have the burning question harp on my mind. In other words, I would rather feel shitty about myself, than to be handicapped with curiosity.
But today, as I sit onboard the bus home, I did not extract the question paper from my file. I just rode the bus, contemplating if today would be the day I wear my long-awaited dress. It was as if I had given up. Too depressed. So I just sat there. Defeated. Looking out the window where all the coveted grades are.
I have 12 days before my next paper. I think I need a break. To get back on my feet again and try. I know this isn't the end. I'm almost there. But everyone knows, 'almost' doesn't quite cut it.
All I want is to crawl into a foetal position and sleep. That is the only thing the weather is actually good for- sleeping.
Oh my goodness gracious, just end already...

Everything's going to be ok........Isn't it?

Know this: An elephant can be pregnant for up to 2 years.

This Is It

I am all geared up to give all I have for the battle on Tuesday. A few more minor touch-ups, a little prayer and I will be on my way.
Note to self: Don't worry, you got this.

So here we go...

Know this: Bluebirds cannot see the color blue.

I've Got 99 Problems But the Bitch Ain't One

A bizzare day at the library today. But having a bizzare day at the library isn't so bizzare.
Anyway, I'm currently having a dilemma. I know it is suicical to omit certain topics for the big As. But what if you know that you won't attempt that question. I'm talking about the China chapter in my history. I spent one whole day understanding it but I haven't exactly memorised it yet. So should I waste my time memorising it when I know for sure that I will not attempt the China question? If your answer is no (which is my answer too!), then I would have wasted that whole day studying something absolute irrelevant... But then again, if I know I will 100% not do the question, I should not waste anymore time on it. You said it, sister!
Here's another predicament. For 3 of the topics, there are 2 parts to them: the causes and consequences. I've studied the causes portions, but not the consequences parts. Can I leave those out too?! I can't leave so many parts out, you know! It's just that I don't think I want to take in any new information at this point, but muster the ones that I already know.
I have to choose 3 questions out of 5. What if 4 of the questions go like this: 1) China, 2) Consequence, 3) Consequence, 4)Consequence?! I will slit my throat with my plastic ruler and just bleed to death. I don't have much time, you guys.... What should I do?! What should I do?!
Gosh, I'm about to have a panic attack. Breathe in...And out..One more time, in...And out.
And, I freakin' need glasses! I can't see anything beyond 2 meters with clarity that I had taken for granted. Everything's such a blur. And the world is such a scary place when you're all alone and all you see are blurred faces.
Anywho, hope your revision is going swell!

Know this: Koala Bears sleep an average of 22 hours a day, 2 hours more than the sloth. (well, 2 hours less than me after the As.)

You Can See My Heart Beating

Just as time passes and draws nearer to the 10th, I am scared but at the same time happy. Happy that this is all finally coming to an end. As I read my notes, I can't help but think that that would be the last time I will ever read it ever again. Maybe on the night before I sit for the exam. Still, one of the last times, ever. Then I'm suddenly motivated to read it more intensely. Almost like holding on to something just so it won't slip from your tight grip. Like wanting to make it count before you let it go for good. Kinda like the last 2.4km run. Remember how I was extremely over-joyed that day? Imagine me after the As. And seriously- 3 weeks, a week-break and a day left before this whole thing ends? It is surreal. Everything we have ever worked for this past 2 years, finally boils down to this. And then...freedom. Freedom beyond one's imagination.
Sometimes when I'm out, taking a break from revising, I ask myself 'What are you doing? There'll be a whole lot of going out after. Very soon after.' Yes, my conscience is very vocal. And she is always right. Always. And it so weird to hear of plans in December such as the book fest on the 11-12th. When my sister told me to go with her then, I was like "A' Levels will be sooooooooooo over by then." Of course, the big grin plastered on my face.
Anyway, I just got my Graduation Night dress tailored 2 days ago. I'm uber excited for it! Now I'm just on the hunt for my Prince Charming to take me... In the words of Mariah Carey (Obsessed), "You're delusional, so delusional...." However, it will be quite awesome.
Ok, back to the books. For. One. Last. Time. Somebody pinch me please!

Know this: A quarter of the world’s plants are threatened with extinction by the year 2010.

"I'm so gonna blog about today."

Today was the Farewell Assembly for the graduating class of 2009. And yes, it was an emotional roller-coaster ride. One moment I was smiling, the next I was choked- up, then I was laughing hysterically (especially during the PE Department's video). After I had a blast with my class at Pastamania (my fave!) for a final outing before...well, you know.
Honestly, I woke up today not knowing what exactly to expect. All I knew was there was going to be speeches, and a lot of the "This will be your last lap"s. But I had not expected to be so very moved by Ms Hon's speech and the videos from the teachers. The teachers often used the analogy of us preparing for battle: A Levels, that is. And in this span of two years, the teachers have been training us and putting us through mock-ups of the battle. During the journey I, personally, have cried my eyes out over failures and rejoiced at my successes I had worked so very hard for and achieved. So here I am today, (almost) fully-equipped with all the ammunitions and armaments that my teachers can ever possibly afford. Now there is nothing else left for them to impart or give, except 'best wishes' and 'good luck'. And so we're off...
I had wished so fervently for today to be the last day of school, forever. When 'farewell' actually meant farewell. But today isn't the end, for at the end I will feel relief. I did not feel relieved today. Because I know that up ahead is the most important thing in the whole universe that I must go through and conquer. Although it scares the hell out of me, there's no turning back. And I know that the faster I trudge through this fifty piles of shit, the faster I will reach the light at the end of this sewage tunnel. So when I do reach the end, and I mean 'the end' the end, I will... just be glad that I've reached the end.
So no, I will not say what I will miss about SA. I will not say what I have lost and what I have gained. Not this time. Not yet. I will not bid farewell because this isn't goodbye. I'll see you at the battle, remember?

The Best Teacher in the Whole Wide World and Beyond, Ms Soh

(Congratulations on your engagement!)

The Most Passionate and Beautiful Teacher in the history of Mankind, Ms Hon

(Congratulations on your engagement, too!)

The One that has stuck by me from Day 1

We are just wayy too cool for school, baby!

Know this: A snail's reproductive organs are in its head.

Up-High

Still awake at this hour, after shopping with my Mark and my sister. A futile attempt to find the ideal prom dress. I know, I know, the A Levels are approaching fast and the mock papers are coming at us faster, so what the hell am I doing out shopping, right? Seriously, I need a break. A serious break before I can get down to some serious studying, again. The prelims just ended and the results are still being anticipated. It may take longer than I think before I can bury myself into the books again. But not too long I hope.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be drained out or burned out, or whatever it is they call it. When you can't seem to find an ounce of anything that will make you want to pick up those set of notes or even a pen to write. Like, as if you wished it would end right there and then. Right now. This instance. Flashbacks of the suffering you went through not too long ago are too painful that you feel there is no way in hell you can do that again. Feeling as though you had given everything you have and there is simply no more to offer. No more. But time keeps waiting. For you to give more. But what if there really isn't any more. When every thing you read, your mind goes 'I know this already.' Hence insisting that you stop because it's all in there. But you know that not much can retain for too long, so you keep reading only to have that information rejected with the stamp 'You know this already.' But you don't. Is my sponge saturated? How can my brain not take in any more when I know there's more that I need to take? I can't possibly know it all because my Math assignments are full of blanks and I still can't look at Literature pieces through Ms Soh's eyes.
I feel like I may have given too much for the Prelims. And although the results are better than I have even seen them, I know that it still isn't enough. There is so much more that I need to work on and improve. And I am so afraid that I may not have anymore fuel, or as much fuel to help me kick into high gear again. I know it's still too early to say this because this may just be a phase and I'll be back on my two feet in no time. Maybe. But right now I'm just so extremely exhausted.
I feel like I need a hand. Literally. A large, massive hand that can pull me out of this and put me where I'm supposed to be. There is only one Thing, I know big enough that can do this for me. And He will give me a high-five when it's all over and done with.

Know this: Every hour the Universe expands by a billion miles in all directions.

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Know this: Every year over one million earthquakes shake the Earth. (And I experienced a minor tremor in school today!)