Apathy

I had my Malay 'A' Level examination yesterday. I thought it was manageable. But somehow, this was the first time I was actually rushing for time during a Mother Tongue paper. Usually, I will finish the paper half and hour before the end of commencement but this time I used every minute of the 3 hour paper. It could be thorough checking, or maybe I was struggling with the answers. Fortunately, there were no blanks that I left out. I just filled in whatever I thought was right in that moment. Then a brief discussion about the paper with my friends and mother, only to find out that some of the anwers were wrong! Screw it.

That has been the attitude throughout the Mother Tongue examination, I feel. Screw it. I really did not take the paper as seriously as I know I should have. I do not know what got in to me yesterday. The desks were neatly set up, the air-conditioning was on and the hall was silenced. Still, those factors did not phase me at all, the way that they used to. I would blame it on the terrible flu I had. It was so embarrassing. The hall was so quiet you could hear a pin hit the floor, and there I was, blowing my nose away. Damn the dripping mucus! And I was drinking so much water to 'push' the mucus down (I do not know if there is any science- sense it that.) and it only resulted in a full bladder. I had to pee at 10:15am if i remember correctly. I told myself, after answering this question, raise your hand and go the toilet. I answered the question on my paper and I decided not to raise my hand because there were no girl teachers around me at that time. When 2 female teachers did come and stood around me, I still did not raise my hand because I was too shy to walk down the stretch of aisle, between friends who were still doing the paper. I was one of the first few front ones, so there were a lot of people I had to pass by before I can get to the exit door. So, that's right. You guessed it! I held it in until 11:34am. I actually thought I felt kidney stones forming as I patiently waited.

So my experience during the paper was a bad one. I could hardly recall myself doing the paper. I really did not give a damn about the paper and I still do not. Maybe it is the fact that I know I can take it again next year, although I absolutely do not want to. Maybe it could also be the fact that MT does not really matter in the rank points system. I do not know. And I just do not care anymore.

Some would say it is better this way, because I should not get too affected by this examination. But whose to say that I would not be affected by the results I will receive afterwards? Gosh, what happened to me? Every examination was a matter of life and death for me. And now, I treated an 'A' Level paper with such apathy.

God, help me. Let's just hope that it just a phase I am going through. These are the last few days in school and I am just tired. And sick. I am sick and tired. Give me strength to carry on.

I want to care. Really.

Know this: You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. (Good to know.)

The Little Things

When bus drivers wave to each other or gesture a nod of acknowledgement as they drive pass each other; when people open doors for each other and say 'thank you' and smile; when people offer seats to one another; when someone helps an elderly board/alight a bus; when someone shelters someone else into the bus; when someone makes conversation with the canteen/drink stall lady in school; when the bus driver waits for a passenger running for his life to board the bus; when both parties apologise after they accidentally bump into each other; when team-mates cheer each other on during tough training times; when old friends greet each other in school and when it rains just after you step into the comfort of your own home.

These little things make me love life. Especially the man- made gestures, they make me believe that the world is a pleasant place. They make me believe in the good in everybody. Even those with a socially unacceptable exterior have a good heart.

I am starting to notice the little things that make me smile. Life just seems to be more bearable to live in, that way. Life seems good all of a sudden.

I know it can be better, if only.

Know this: The man who played the voice of bugs bunny was allergic to carrots.

SAJC Raya Outing on the 18th

Almost an hour late, kept everyone waiting and broke Danial's mother's miniature clay (or was it glass? It definitely was fragile.) cat (tell her I am so sorry!) . Other than those unfortunate mishaps, an outing with the 10 of them was a blast. I got to know them a lot better. Although we were expecting a mob of about 17 kids, those were the only few who managed to actually show up. Other priorities, I suppose. However, I was really glad things turned out the way they did. The small group made it much easier to mingle around and be yourself. No awkwardness-- because we more or less knew each other. So it was all cool. We laughed and joked, bantering at most parts but we sincerely wanted to interact with each other.
We went to 7 houses only, yet by the time I reached home at about 11.30pm, I was beat. Exhausted. Dead. A quick glance through the pictures I took on that day on my camera before I crashed into my cosy bed and IMMEDIATELY knocked-off. There were several unexpected occurences and questionable coincidences that happened that day too. But I was too tired to give a damn, really. I would rather leave most things at face value.

I really enjoyed myself and I hope we have more of such outings together, as a malay community. It was really exciting to meet your families and experience your lifestyles for the brief 45 minutes or so. Thank your parents for the delicious food generously prepared for all of us and the great company they provided us with good grace.

SAJC Malay Community rocks my socks! Here are the pictures. Selamat Hari Raya!

Farina's Crib

Ellysa's Home

Ms Faizah's Home

Amalina's Crib

Rumah Farid

Nadia's Place

Danial's Home

Know this: Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

The Verdict

Alhamdulilah Syukur.

I made it to year 2! I am so ecstatic, beyond words can describe. I did improve for the Final Year papers but not by much though. There were disappointments along the way as I received some unexpected results. Honestly, the CA grades really helped me by a mile. So I am glad that I did the assignments I had to, all this time.
My Promotional Examinations rank points was a pleasant surprise. I was in complete disbelief. I never ventured to ever enter into that range of rank points. I was to be contented with an improvement of just a few points. So I was utterly shocked and very very happy!
Of course, the battle is not over yet. The big 'A's are going to be tough, I know. But I make a vow to be more conscientious with my work. Common Tests were indeed a slap in my face. A reality check that it is way too risky to start your revision late. So I will be more consistent with my revision this time. It is easier to start the year right when you know what to expect.
Congratulations to everyone who did well enough to get promoted, and especially those who exceeded their expectations! Take a breather. Rejoice! And for those who did not do as well, just remember that everything will work out for the best. For my friends, I will support you all the way, even as you have to go through it once more.
Anyway, on my home today, I went to Prima Deli to get a slice of Blackforest cake. It is a sort of a gift from me to me. Call it sad, since I had to get it for myself, but I think I deserve it. I savoured every bite.

My Reward

Now I can really enjoy Saturday.

Know this: If you told someone that they were one in a million, you'd be saying there were 1,800 of them in China.

Never Thought I Would Ever Say This...

I am starting to appreciate PW, not inspite of, but rather because of its soul-crushing and tiresome demands. 'You don't know what you have till it's gone'-- a saying most apt for my explanation for this sudden change of heart about PW.
As I patiently wait for the Written Report to be submitted to me by tonight, I realise this 'free time' I have is used to THINK. There is a lot to think about, for me, right now. I mean a lot. Release of results is in 2 days time, Thursday! The thought of the verdict is already eating me alive inside. Excruciating.
And then there are other things that are bothering me, where ignorance is NOT bliss. In this moment, I wish the power to read minds-- telepathy, is bestowed upon me soon. How I wish I knew certain things, and not be consumed by suspense. I do not have to drown in my own guilt, submerged in dislike of my own self. I just need to know before the line between what is real and what is not becomes obliterated. Before I become delusional, seeing things that are not really there. Although some people already think I am hallucinating (right, girls?).
See, there is so much to think about because I am not engaged in PW. PW keeps me busy. Busy for all the things I am afraid to face. Busy for reality, basically.
'You don't know what you have till it's gone'. The 'it' refers to a distraction. An escape from the things that haunt me. Every second of everyday.

Just let it go.

Know this: In space you cannot cry because there is no gravity to make the tears flow.

The Butterflies Never Lie

The butterflies never lie. Hearts may race, but it could be panic. Palms may sweat, but it could be nerves. Text messages may flow in, but it could be an obligation. Speechless, but it could be because there is just nothing to say. Breathless, but you hyper-ventilate when you are afraid too.
I have no butterflies. I am not a believer. Because the butterflies never lie.

Do not bother asking. It is just not worth mentioning anymore.

Know this: Butterflies don't have lungs.

Intensive Project Work

The school has officially lost it. A whole week dedicated to PW? I kid you not. Apparently, the school does not either. In a way, I am glad that the school makes an effort in setting aside time for us to work on our project, because otherwise, we will not be motivated to initiate the meetings on our own, honestly.
Personally, my group is progressive. Nothing tangible has been produced yet except for drafts after drafts of Written Report. I am trying my best to utilize the full 6 hours allocated to us, each day, as productively as possible. Today, the school invited 3 guest speakers to somehow 'inspire' us to love speaking in public. (Very) Much to my dismay, they were not as impressive as I thought they would be. I know many other people that could and would have done a much better job. One after another, they went up giving absolutely uninspiring and unengaging speeches. Should we not learn only from the best? I told you the school has officially lost it.
The school even went out of its way to hire external vendors to coach us in public speaking. So today, we also had a 3-hour session with a public speaking instructor to help us with the much dreaded Oral Presentation. It was actually quite fun and I appreciated the instructor being as humble and modest as he was.
I hope everyone else is having a 'blast' with their PW. I pray we get an 'A' for all this torture we have been put through. It was such a misconception that after the Promotional Examinations, we will be free. Nothing holding us back. Freedom. No homework but just fun. Instead another form of stress arises- my email is messed up, and the organizations I emailed to are not responding.
PW be gone! Still there? Damn.

Tell me I am not wasting my time.

Know this: Despite a population of over a billion, China has only about 200 family names.

Hari Raya 2008

I had the best time on the first day of Hari Raya. I was too happy to even eat much. Before you start speculating, it was not due to one specific event, it was everything, a compilation of things that made me not even give a damn about how absolutely unco-operative my hair was on that day. It must be the euphoria manifested from not seeing my cousins and aunts/uncles for way too long. Anyway, here are the pictures.Know this: In an average day, a four year old child will ask 437 questions. (I love Nannan and he is 4 years old.)