When I was the Princess...

on the 21st of April. I turned a whole year older. I received some killer gifts this year, especially from my family. Of course, they did not consider them as presents because I always ask things from them and they will just get them for me, regardless the occasion. But this time, the things I received are pretty expensive. So much so that I was reluctant to accept some of them, while others I graciously (and readily) accepted. My generous father bought me an MP3 player which cost a bomb. My sister bought me a pair of 'to-die-for' sexy shoes and my mother bought me a black bag, one that I have been looking for for months. My best girlfriends in college bought me the prettiest water-globe, which I proudly display on my dresser. My class gave me a cake, which was without a doubt the best chocolate cake I have ever tasted. And no, I am not JUST saying that. It was not much of a cake, because there was more icing and chocolate cream than the spongy part of the cake, which is the part that I hate most. So each bite melted in my mouth and of course, made my teeth all brown. I actually find myself scanning through cake shops to find that piece of cake so that I can enjoy it one more time! Yes, it was THAT good. Certainly, not forgetting those who wished me good wishes on that special day personally, or via text- I truly appreciate it.
I cannot believe I am 18 already! I can legally go clubbing now and get my grind on! Right, like that is ever going to happen, even when I turn 80! Then again, maybe I should not speak too soon.
Anyway, I spent Special Tuesday studying for my history test. I did not mind as much as I probably should, particularly because (almost) everyday is a celebration for me- weekdays with my girlfriends and on weekends with my family. So my birthday, if not for the singing, the cake and all the self-indulgent attention (just look at the freakin' title of this post- GUILTY!), is a day like any other. And everyday is like a celebration on April 21st. Damn straight, aside from my studies, life is good.

Off to meet my secondary school girlfriends in the afternoon later. What should I wear?

Friends today. Complete strangers the next. We should be more consistent.
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Know this: On the 21st of April 1944, in France, women received the right to vote.

Accomplished

Told you the number '13' haunts me. Anyway,I had my Nationals this week. My performances for my 200m and 100m events were fair, I personally feel. I have been told that for someone without the secondary-school-days training advantage, I did well. I know I did my best. And somehow, with a strike of good luck, plenty of prayers and a miracle, I qualified into the semi-finals for the 100m event. I was utterly shocked. I was ready to sell my spikes to the juniors that Tuesday. I remembered vividly during the 100m heats I told myself that that was the last race that I will ever run in my whole entire life, so might as well 'run like hell' (Aqila if you are reading, *winks). And I did. I was convinced that I would not qualify into the semi-finals, looking at the other girls. They were all so confident. Although I did not qualify into the finals, I was glad that my 2 years of training under coach were not entirely in vain. Although I am happy that this is all over, I am grateful for this opportunity. So to the other sportsmen and women of SAJC whose season may not be over, I wish you all the best!
But give it a month or so, I think I will miss my Track trainings. This is it. No more trainings for me. No more Dynamic warm-ups. No more pick-ups. No more starting-blocks. No more King Tut's pyramid work-outs bullshit. No more hurdles. No more Core exercises. No more.
At the same time, no more Coach's sarcasms. No more of the sprinter boys' jokes. No more feeling of satisfaction after a great work-out. No, no more. All these I say in melancholy. There will be things I miss, for sure. But I am glad that I have been through everything and I came out of it all, alive. Trainings were tough, but there were definitely good times I shall cherish forever (*cue the violins).
On Thursday, I had my 2.4km run. It was my personal best ever and I think it has largely to do it being the last 2.4km run of my whole entire life. So, must 'run like hell' (Aqila,*winks) I just hate it so much and am very extremely ecstatic that it is over. No more 2.4 forever and ever and ever baby!
So this whole week, I did a whole lot of running. Not to mention rushing back from the Choa Chu Kang stadium to school for a Math test, Literature timed-assignment and my LAST 2.4km run, on all the respective days I was not in school in the morning because of my races.
Today is Friday and I feel very accomplished. However, I have a pile of homework and revisions to do, so I should probably get to it right this second.
By the way, I should probably take this opportunity to thank my PW group mates for co-operating and achieving the 'A' together. We sure as hell deserve it, kiddos!

'When you like someone, just go and talk to them.' Right.

Know this: The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

A Work in Progress

Last Saturday, my class and I had Service Learning at Tiong Bahru with the elderly. Honestly, I think we could have done much more than we did there, as all we actually did was serve food to the elderly, clean the chairs, wipe the tables and sweep the floor. However, the elderly seemed thrilled to have us there. I guess all they were looking for were fresh faces at the centre. I suppose they wanted to be accompanied by a younger generation. Either way, we made their day and I am glad.Later that evening, my girls and I had to rush to Bukit Batok for a play in Millenia Institute entitled 'Awang Belanga, Bingkisan Lama'. First of all, I must concede, the school is BEA-YOU-TO-THE-FUL. The entire landscape was magnificent, with the airport-like entrance. Second of all, the play was AWE-TO-THE-SOME. I laughed so hard that my jaw started hurting and I was in tears. 'Eh, lampu kat sane?' Bravo, Millenia Institute for that phenomenal production! From the story-lines, to the costumes, to the setting, to the music, to the singing and dancing and even the audience interaction sections, you guys really nailed them all! My girls and I agreed we would have payed $50 to watch the play, 10 times more than what they actually charged. I had a blast, man!
Last Wednesday, we went back to the Old Folks' Centre to finish another 2 hours for our CIP. Although it was at 8pm, and all of us had a tiring day at school, I still had fun. It was karaoke night and it was exciting to see the old follks excited as they clapped along. I interacted with some of them and I was not surprised that most of them understood Malay. I had fun. I must mention, some of them looked really adorable!
Moving on, yesterday, I participated in yet another All-Comers Athletics Competition, in the 200m event. My timing remained consistent, but I had hoped for an improvement. On the bright side, I saw that super adorable boy again. But of course, the standard brief glances, and we went our separate ways. Great to see him again, anyway.

And regarding my previous post, which somehow raved some very much appreciated concerns, I would like those who actually gave a damn to know that I am fine now. I realised that if I were to let this anxiety get to me, it will cloud my everything. I cannot afford to be afraid and lose focus, as time is of the essence. It is still not too late, if I start now. So do be understanding and supportive when I choose to bury myself with my studies. When it comes to revision or doing homework, I am more productive when I am alone. It's nothing personal. It's just the 'A' Levels.

And coming from a position where I was never in the bottom, the situation for me right now is difficult, to say the least. Remedials, counselling, pep-talks with my CT, Parent-Teacher (maybe HOD)- Meeting... I mean, I never had to worry about these things before. But now... I guess it is for my own good. Well, I suppose there is a first for everything. So I will just have to suck it up, swallow my pride, build a damn bridge and get the fuck over it, with grace.

I may not be 'fixed' just yet, but a work in progress, indeed.

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I'm too shy to ask. I'm too proud to lose.

~Westlife "If I Let You Go"

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Know this: After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp.

Unfixed

Not a good day today, at all. And if I hear one more of those "You work so hard but how come it does not seem to reflect in your grades?" remarks, I am going to grab the nearest blunt object within my reach and literally hit that person who made that comment so hard and many many times until he dies, before I swallow that blunt object myself and just choke to death.
I am starting to lose faith in myself because I am starting to lose faith in You. Apparently, You do not bring good things to good people. Not anymore at least. You did not come through for me this time. I know You will forgive me for this, so I am very disappointed in You for not being there for me when I needed You the most. I did my part, but where were You?

Your promise:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you

~ Cold Play

...unfulfilled.

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How could You do this to me? To me.

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Know this: The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.

Mummy...It's Over!

Block Test 1 did not end on a very good note, considering the Economics paper was a tough one. Nevertheless, it did end. Thank Heavens!
No more slaving at 3am in the morning, writing out concepts into my notebook and closing my eyes, as I attempted to memorise what I have written. Man, does it suck to be a tectile learner. I have to write out everything in order to study effectively. A long-ass survey was done in my secondary school days revealed that tectile is my learning style. And it is true, I do study better when I write down the notes.
Now thinking about how much effort I actually put in to prepare for this last paper, I must express my sadness and disappointment in myself for not being able to nail the paper. Truly, it is only when I enter college that I realise hard work does not always pay off. You actually have to be smart to get good grades. Understandably, that would be hard to swallow, for someone who has always worked hard for her grades.
Anyway, the tests are over, for now. I shall savour this brief moment that is carefree, appreciate nights free of toss and turns, and embrace this time when I can breathe easy.
Plus (I cannot believe I am about to declare this!) but I actually miss school- the tutorials, lectures and the people, certainly. I cannot wait for everything to go back to normal. Normal is always good, for me.

It is ridiculous the amount of time I spend thinking of this somedays.

Know this: You breathe about 10 million times a year.

Nothing to Say to You

Today I participated in yet another All-comers Athletics Competition, in the 100m event. This time I am positive that I did not perform well. Be it my absence in last week's trainings due to the Block Test, or the fact that Coach was not there to pressure me, I am certain that the outcome of the race was very disappointing. On a lighter note, I saw that adorable boy again, the same one I saw exactly a month ago. I was also reunited with several of the people from my past: my primay school Track and Field Coach- Mr Lim; Aqila!; Lee Chong Loon! and Eva from primary school. It was indeed a pleasant surprise to see them all there.
And so the March Holidays are here. I have lessons and assignments during this holiday. So go figure my attitude towards it... Excited, not.
Honestly, my fellow readers, I cannot be insightful these past few posts without revealing too much about the things I know I cannot reveal to you. So if you should find the content of my updates uninteresting or self-indulgent, I do apologize. But I hate leaving you people hanging, especially my friends who I rarely meet up with. Similarly, I use their blogs to find out how life is treating them.
Anyhow, I do not find this blog an appropriate place to tell you things that are important to me, information that just reveal too much about me. And it is not just one thing. It is a series of things. And not all of them are bad things. Some of them are wonderful things. While others just eat me up inside. And I beg of you not to speculate.
I am sorry that I have nothing 'juicy' to say to you. I just do not know you that well. And if I do, you probably already know.

Know this: In 1985, a pregnant women was falsely accused of shoplifting a basketball.

Keep On Keepin' On

Life has been very unkind this week. What emotionally-draining week it has been. Never had I let out or wanted to let out so many tears before, in such a short span of time. Countless instances when the only thought that was going through my head was 'Stick a fork in me- I'm done.'
Year 2 of JC life has been taking a real toll on me lately, and I am starting to have doubts if I can ever make the coveted grades. They seem so out of reach right now and for some- impossible. And it is not even the assignments that I am worried about. It is more about the magnitude of the 'A' level itself that completely freaks me out. I manage to do the work and discipline myself, or whatever, but in the end, I seem to reap the same old pathetic grades. Honestly, it scares me that I might just give up one day. I might crack and not want to do this anymore. I am no longer confident in my own threshold. I am no longer confident that I can do this. It suddenly hit me that there is a possibility of me failing the 'A' levels; there is a possibility that I might not qualify into a University.
As I received my H1 Malay Result today, I was utterly disappointed and was at a loss for words. I told myself not to let out any tear today because enough tears have been wept already this week. I am currently contemplating if I should sit for the 2nd attempt of the paper this June. I was quite confident when I was in the CC that I was not going to retake it. Then, as I stepped out and gained a little more perspective into the situation, I realised that I had not done myself justice with that paper. I knew that I did not give my absolute 100%, which was a ridiculously stupid and moronic move, considering how important the examination really was. What the hell was I thinking? So the predicament continues...
I need strength to accept everything. I need strength to pick myself up and carry on from all these failures. I need hope that promises everything will be all right. I know giving up is not an option because I have already chosen this path, so there is no turning back. It has come to the point where you have to swallow your pride and just do what you have to. It is unfortunate how I need the tightest slap reality could ever give someone to remind myself how real this all is.

I am worried and I need You more than ever.

Know this: The word Nike comes from Greek Mythology. Nike is the goddess of victory and was often depicted as a small winged figure whom the goddess Athene carried.