Unfixed

Not a good day today, at all. And if I hear one more of those "You work so hard but how come it does not seem to reflect in your grades?" remarks, I am going to grab the nearest blunt object within my reach and literally hit that person who made that comment so hard and many many times until he dies, before I swallow that blunt object myself and just choke to death.
I am starting to lose faith in myself because I am starting to lose faith in You. Apparently, You do not bring good things to good people. Not anymore at least. You did not come through for me this time. I know You will forgive me for this, so I am very disappointed in You for not being there for me when I needed You the most. I did my part, but where were You?

Your promise:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you

~ Cold Play

...unfulfilled.

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How could You do this to me? To me.

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Know this: The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.

Mummy...It's Over!

Block Test 1 did not end on a very good note, considering the Economics paper was a tough one. Nevertheless, it did end. Thank Heavens!
No more slaving at 3am in the morning, writing out concepts into my notebook and closing my eyes, as I attempted to memorise what I have written. Man, does it suck to be a tectile learner. I have to write out everything in order to study effectively. A long-ass survey was done in my secondary school days revealed that tectile is my learning style. And it is true, I do study better when I write down the notes.
Now thinking about how much effort I actually put in to prepare for this last paper, I must express my sadness and disappointment in myself for not being able to nail the paper. Truly, it is only when I enter college that I realise hard work does not always pay off. You actually have to be smart to get good grades. Understandably, that would be hard to swallow, for someone who has always worked hard for her grades.
Anyway, the tests are over, for now. I shall savour this brief moment that is carefree, appreciate nights free of toss and turns, and embrace this time when I can breathe easy.
Plus (I cannot believe I am about to declare this!) but I actually miss school- the tutorials, lectures and the people, certainly. I cannot wait for everything to go back to normal. Normal is always good, for me.

It is ridiculous the amount of time I spend thinking of this somedays.

Know this: You breathe about 10 million times a year.

Nothing to Say to You

Today I participated in yet another All-comers Athletics Competition, in the 100m event. This time I am positive that I did not perform well. Be it my absence in last week's trainings due to the Block Test, or the fact that Coach was not there to pressure me, I am certain that the outcome of the race was very disappointing. On a lighter note, I saw that adorable boy again, the same one I saw exactly a month ago. I was also reunited with several of the people from my past: my primay school Track and Field Coach- Mr Lim; Aqila!; Lee Chong Loon! and Eva from primary school. It was indeed a pleasant surprise to see them all there.
And so the March Holidays are here. I have lessons and assignments during this holiday. So go figure my attitude towards it... Excited, not.
Honestly, my fellow readers, I cannot be insightful these past few posts without revealing too much about the things I know I cannot reveal to you. So if you should find the content of my updates uninteresting or self-indulgent, I do apologize. But I hate leaving you people hanging, especially my friends who I rarely meet up with. Similarly, I use their blogs to find out how life is treating them.
Anyhow, I do not find this blog an appropriate place to tell you things that are important to me, information that just reveal too much about me. And it is not just one thing. It is a series of things. And not all of them are bad things. Some of them are wonderful things. While others just eat me up inside. And I beg of you not to speculate.
I am sorry that I have nothing 'juicy' to say to you. I just do not know you that well. And if I do, you probably already know.

Know this: In 1985, a pregnant women was falsely accused of shoplifting a basketball.

Keep On Keepin' On

Life has been very unkind this week. What emotionally-draining week it has been. Never had I let out or wanted to let out so many tears before, in such a short span of time. Countless instances when the only thought that was going through my head was 'Stick a fork in me- I'm done.'
Year 2 of JC life has been taking a real toll on me lately, and I am starting to have doubts if I can ever make the coveted grades. They seem so out of reach right now and for some- impossible. And it is not even the assignments that I am worried about. It is more about the magnitude of the 'A' level itself that completely freaks me out. I manage to do the work and discipline myself, or whatever, but in the end, I seem to reap the same old pathetic grades. Honestly, it scares me that I might just give up one day. I might crack and not want to do this anymore. I am no longer confident in my own threshold. I am no longer confident that I can do this. It suddenly hit me that there is a possibility of me failing the 'A' levels; there is a possibility that I might not qualify into a University.
As I received my H1 Malay Result today, I was utterly disappointed and was at a loss for words. I told myself not to let out any tear today because enough tears have been wept already this week. I am currently contemplating if I should sit for the 2nd attempt of the paper this June. I was quite confident when I was in the CC that I was not going to retake it. Then, as I stepped out and gained a little more perspective into the situation, I realised that I had not done myself justice with that paper. I knew that I did not give my absolute 100%, which was a ridiculously stupid and moronic move, considering how important the examination really was. What the hell was I thinking? So the predicament continues...
I need strength to accept everything. I need strength to pick myself up and carry on from all these failures. I need hope that promises everything will be all right. I know giving up is not an option because I have already chosen this path, so there is no turning back. It has come to the point where you have to swallow your pride and just do what you have to. It is unfortunate how I need the tightest slap reality could ever give someone to remind myself how real this all is.

I am worried and I need You more than ever.

Know this: The word Nike comes from Greek Mythology. Nike is the goddess of victory and was often depicted as a small winged figure whom the goddess Athene carried.

Such A Happy Gal

A million and one apologies may not suffice for my long absence. I have been rather busy lately, with school and other commitments. Other times, I am just too tired from the business that I tend to choose sleep over blogging.

So now that I have a small little free time in hands, I shall update about events that have occurred since Valentine's Day. (Man, that feels like umpteen years ago!)

On the 14th of February, I had a date! With the track... I ran my first race that Saturday, the 200m event. Coach said I did well, although I felt I could have done better with more training. Not bad for a first time, I guess. It was a wonderful experience and very exhilirating. I really do hope that it will not be my last! Plus, seated next to me was the cutest boy that I have ever seen that day. I was grinning non-stop that it disgusted me, a tad bit. Shall not elaborate on this. (Or I will go on for hours.)

On Wednesday MCS conducted the Traditional Games Day. It was fun getting to know the J1s and I am glad they enjoyed themselves. A lot of room for improvement, but I am happy and relieved that it is done and over with. It caused unnecessary stress, I feel. Everything went smoothly and it ended on time. I am really thankful that the juniors were as enthusiastic as they were. It really did contribute to the success of the event. Kudos to all involved!

I watched Slumdog Millionaire with my classmates last Thursday as part of GP trip. It is safe to say that it is one of the best movies I have ever watched in my whole entire life! It is written.There was a perfect mix of sadness, happiness, anxiety, fear and passion in the movie. It was indeed eye-opening and worth it. I loved every second of it.

Last Saturday, some of my classmates, my girls and I enjoyed a play called 'The Importance of Being Earnest'. It was alright, I suppose. The costumes were nice, and the humour was enjoyable. But frankly, I did not gain much from it, unfortunately. However, after the play, my girls and I had a photoshoot in the beautiful infrastructure around the Victoria Theatre. So Tyra Banks, watch out!

I ended up meeting my one true love, Hannan, that night and our families chilled till the wee hours of the morning. Walking in my heels became unbearable that I took them off and walked bare-foot at the beach and the Jurong Point shopping centre. It was 3:00am in the morning so no one really cared. It felt...liberating. I felt like a hippie. Also, I bought the most gorgeous pair of shoes in the whole entire world that day! I am very very contented...

Though brief, I hope it keeps you interested in reading my blog, still. Block Test 1 is in 2 weeks. I shall declare my apologies now. Sorry in advance!

You so make my day.

Know this: The reason why flamingos are pink is because they eat shrimp which have a red pigment.

Disappointment

At this very moment, I am experiencing one of the lowest points in a long time. Disappointment is indeed one of the worst feelings one could possibly feel. Complementing it would be anger, confusion and sadness. Angry because you are not satisfied, confused because you cannot understand how they could do that to you, and sad because they had hurt you. The magnitude of this disappointment is determined by the person/people that had disappointed you. Family being the ultimate cause of the ultimate disappointment. With that said, I am experiencing one of the lowest points in a long time.
But you can never stay mad at them, or give them the cold shoulder for long. You just grill the beef eventually and carry on. I know that it is a good thing, because a happy family is one that sticks together, and never holds grudges. However, shrugging the issue that makes you unhappy time and time again makes them think that it is acceptable. That you are okay with them being the way they are to you. So sometimes, times like these, I want them to know that it is not acceptable. That I am not okay. When I told you, I TOLD YOU, that I really wanted this and you take that away from me, it isn't funny. It isn't okay.
The power of words retains whether they are spoken by family, friends or a random stranger. The sting is just a million times more painful when they are from your own flesh and blood. Sometimes they get unbearable and a piece of you just dies inside. Somehow, I expect more from them. I expect them to understand me more. Especially when I have clearly showed how much I wanted this. Instead, you said hurtful things. I know that you do not mean it. (Though at times I have doubts that maybe you actually do.) But you said it, still. Why say hurtful things just for the fun of it? Because we are family, I am not supposed to let it get to me? How miscontrude... It has the direct opposite effect.
You would think that the family bond is one that never wavers. Unbreakable. But being bounded by genes and blood does not necessarily mean that. One can feel emotionally apart from the family as well. Literature taught me that what you feel inside is more significant than what you show on the outside.
Other times, the family may not be appreciative of you. When you work so hard for a grade and instead of congratulating you, they put you down by asking why couldn't you have done better. No, it is not motivational. It is just depressing. You tend to question: will anything be enough anymore? An yet another piece dies inside. But there are just that many pieces. Let me not see the day when all these pieces die. Then I cannot call you my family.
Then there are double standards frequently practiced. For you, in return for a distinction is a demand for even better, and most of the time unrealistic grades. Not even a 'well done', once in awhile. For another one of your sibling, in return for a pass, just a pass, is a pair of new soccer boots. And at late nights and you are starving, they only buy food for one sibling, claiming they didn't have enough money to buy any for you.
How could one not wish that he was switched at birth or adopted, and his biological parents are desperately tracking him down as we speak? How could you not not be tempted to rebel with equally rude remarks, just to protect your own pride and dignity? Tell me how could you ever truly love people who treat uou this way? Who hurt you and know that they do, but just do it anyway? You must have forgotten that daughters are humans with feelings too.
Maybe I am just being a big baby because my family never really have big problems. Most of the time we are happy, which therefore makes times like these seem unbearable, makes you want to run away from them and express your pain to an alternative family. A back-up family perhaps. Reality states that the family is the one that you run to when the world crumbles down you. But where do you run to when the family lets you down?
You run to blogger of course.

Disclaimer: This is not a plea for counselling. But more for a family that respects me and geniunely cares for my well-being. A plea of a better family.

Know this: The Simpsons is the longest running prime-time animated series on television history.

Been There, Done That

Didn't think I will get away this week with a post of just pictures, did you? Well lately, there has been a lot of things going on. Too much to post about and a little too insignificant to share.

However, Monday is a pretty special day. The new batch of junior college students are coming! How exciting... It will be great to see new faces. Quite frankly, this excitement is selfish. Finally, we get to feel like we have the upper hand, a little more experience, a little wiser. For we are the seniors.

I remember my first few days in SAJC. So unfamiliar, timid, awkward and out of place. Like a square peg in a round hole. One of the most uncomfortable experiences ever, alongside the other 'firsts' in my life. Sends chills down my spine just thinking about it. With that I am thrilled that I have successfully gotten past that. I met great friends to keep me company during the breaks, I have a CCA, I know the teachers and vice-versa, I know the different blocks by heart, I know the schedule for the buses to the school, I know all the ways to get home from there, I know what Moodle is. I am settled. So familiar, no longer timid nor awkward and very much in place. Like a square peg fitted nicely into its rightful hole.

For me, coming from a secondary school where I was very much part of the school, and the school part of me, makes a new environment like this strange and difficult to adapt to. People do not know me here. So this transition is the hardest for someone like me. From being a somebody to a nobody.

I guess what I am trying to convey is, if I can do it, anyone can. Of course the awkwardness will make you want to wail "I want to get the hell out of here!" but you just have to suck it up. Moreover, remember that you are not the only one feeling afraid. No longer will there be the first-3-months kids that will prance around as the know-it-alls. Everyone is in the same boat as you. (Well except the DSA kids, but that is just a small portion.) Everyone will pull through, together. I believe there is great comfort knowing that you are not alone.

Bottom line, things will get better and everything will turn out o-tay! Believe you me, Fresh Meat. Believe you me.

Know this: There are over one hundred billion galaxies with each galaxy having billions of stars.