Urticaria

Urticaria is more commonly known as Hives. I have experienced it twice in my life, and it is still 2 times too many. Hives are raised, itchy areas around the skin which are usually a sign of allergic reaction.
The first experience was one of the worst experiences of my entire life. I have never had an allergic reaction before, and the first time I encountered it, I was shocked beyond words. It spread to my calves, my thighs, my arms, my neck and even my face. I went to the doctor and he gave me effective pills. I was fine the very night I took the pills after a long nap. Recently, I experienced it again, after attending a Mendaki Seminar. It must have been the food served in the hotel that I was allergic to. I am still having blemishes on my legs. So I skipped track training twice this week, for fear that my reaction will inflame again to unsightly conditions. To make matters worse, I have having a very sore throat. Even my neck is sore.
Still, I feel guilty having to skip so many trainings. It is so contradictory that I want to do my best in this CCA and yet I am absent in most of the trainings. I was never this irresponsible in secondary school. By any means, I will get my ass to Netball training. What is happening to me? Who is this I am becoming? The number of times I have been absent from track training exceeds the number of time I missed Netball training my whole entire 4 years of secondary school. I am ashamed of myself. I want to apologise so many times but to whom, I am unsure. I tell myself I will not skip anymore trainings, but I end up missing a couple more the following week.Then I convince myself that my reasons were valid, be it that my class was down to support the other CCAs at their matches, or I had to study for Common Tests or I have a shin splint or that I am having Hives. Ultimately, when I reach home and watch the clock strike 5pm, I feel utmost guilt for not being there with the rest of my track members. I feel that I have disappointed the coach, who has been nothing but nice to me.
I believe that if you have done nothing wrong, there is no guilt. And yet I feel guilty every single time I am not down on the track at 5pm. Frankly, physical pain on the track during training is far less torturous then this guilt I am undeniably feeling.

This would be the perfect time to just die.

Know this: Foods that can cause urticaria include-
Nuts
Eggs
Fresh fruits (especially citrus)
Chocolates
Fish and shellfish
Tomatoes
Milk and cheese
Spices
Yeasts

Everything Is As It Should Be

If seeing is believing, then I am a believer. This was all I have ever wanted. So why did You not show it to me sooner? Fortunately, I can get over this. But what if it was too late? Well that will be a big 'if'. Too big for me to think about. I was like a helpless dog behind the glass watching them pass, wondering why they did not take me home with them. Of course, this is a bad analogy and does not really make any sense. But I really did feel helpless.
I thought long and hard as to why I am not as affected about the situation as I thought I would be. Although I know that this is not how I wanted it to be, I accept it, because I never expect to get everything that I wanted, especially when I know I have not put in any effort to achieve it in the first place. Everything is as it should be. Besides, how can something get broken when it wasn't even there to begin with. I just wish things were simpler for me. I can get over this. Someday.

But I really cannot imagine when.

This song was stuck with me for a while today.


"We can go anywhere, go anywhere..."

Know this: A leech has 32 brains.

A Little Time Off

Nothing is due urgently tomorrow. So, I have some time to kill. Tomorrow is my A level Mother Tongue listening comprehension. Frankly, I am not really that anxious about it. Maybe towards the last half and hour before the paper. But not right now-- not too soon.
Received all my Common Test results recently. Not too well, I must admit. Let's just say if these results were to be my final year grade, I will be spending an additional year in SAJC. Yes-- that bad! But I decided to take it in my stride and learn from my mistakes. Trust me, the things mentioned during the post-mortem of all the papers could have been much more useful BEFORE the common tests. There were so much vital information that were not taught during our practice papers. But I should not be making excuses. If others were able to do tremendously well, it should not be impossible for me to achieve the same. I will swallow my pride and admit that I screwed up. I live and I learn. Better to mess up now that during the Promotional Examinations, if you ask me. I will work much much harder for that very crucial examination.
Things are improving so much in school. From my CCA to my friends. I am happier now. Life is bringing me bliss. Except the damn results, actually. Putting a damper on things. Other than that, the world is wonderful again, from the skies down to seas. I hope you feel the same way too.

That simple moment made me fall for you all over again.

Know this: The dot that appears over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

Keeping You Guessing...

I thought long and hard. I went through it over and over again in my head. I am more careful and observant now. I like what I notice and I am pleased with what I am able to infer from those observations. Of course, these are just observations. Many assumptions I have yet to consider. But for now, I take things at face value. What I see, is what I get.

I would not say that I will not be disappointed if my guesses were wrong. I will be a tad bit affected. But surely I will be fine in a while.

Dear readers, my posts may get a little bit vague. I am not dropping any hints. And I beg that you do not jump into any (ridiculous) conclusions. Keep guessing.

I know you know that I know. And you know that I know that you know. But let us all let it pass.

Alexander Pushkin

I Loved You

I loved you; even now I may confess,

Some embers of my love their fire retain;

But do not let it cause you more distress,

I do not want to sadden you again.

Hopeless and tonguetied, yet I loved you dearly

With pangs the jealous and the timid know;

So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely,

I pray God grant another love you so.

It is officially my mother's birthday today. Although we bud heads sometimes, at the end of the day, you always let me win. 'You deserve better, I can be better and I will be better,' taken from the Hancock movie we watched together recently. But it applies. I love you Marky!

Know this: Two out of five people end up marrying their first love.

College Day 2008

On the 4th of July, SAJC had College Day. I had fun buying things, eating them and people-watch. My girls and I headed to Vivo City after that to kill time. We had plans respectively in the afternoon, so we decided to talk and take pictures meanwhile. I had a blast. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

Fezra on Saint's Idol

Shane can sing!

Sinful delights!

Amalina and I

Farina and I

Sakinah the MC!

Because we are just cool like that.

What could possibly be on her mind? Sinister smile.

It cannot get any more candid than this...
Sometimes I think Ms Soh is a real angel. Sneaky Alicia!

A rose for a Ros. And marshmallows for Farina!

At Vivo City

Minah pose to the max.! But I can't help myself.

My rose died not too long ago. It was beautiful while it lasted.

Know this: A language becomes extinct in this world every two weeks.

You Are Not Worth It.

I changed my blog title again. Goodness, what is wrong with me? A sudden lapse of fickle-mindedness I suppose. I cannot promise this will be the last time. I hate to break a promise.
Speaking of promises, I promised a good friend to be subtle about this particular post. I cannot mention names for I know the consequences will be bitter.
Something unfortunate happened recently. Actually, a bunch of unfortunate things happened recently. To think that things would not get worse, I was informed of the worst on a particular day.
I wish not for any of the worst-case-scenarios that will result because of what has been done to ever occur in my presence, or behind my back, for that matter. If they do, it will be on you. I do not demand for an explanation but one would be nice. An apology would be good. Assurance that it will never happen again would be a blessing.
What was done, was done, and can never be undone. I forgive you if you are repentant but my soul is one that forgives but never forgets. People are flawed and that I accept. But when you repeatedly hurt someone and be completely oblivious about it, I begin to question the underlying intentions behind everything that you do and who you really are. I never asked for perfection from anyone. I simply suggest that you at least attempt to be a good person. You have failed me, yet again.
In that very moment, you were the most heartless person I know.
I never wanted to make a big deal out of small faults. However, they have accumulated to an extent that I can no longer dust it off my shoulders. I do not wish to be hateful but you have given me every reason to be as such.
I realise it is bias to only post about the good times in my life. No life is so wonderful. So life for me sometimes are not so sweet. I have my ups and downs. But I believe that there is no satisfaction without pain, and no happiness without suffering. When things do turn sour for you and all you want to do is curl up and die, think again. I will not worry my life away. It is not worth it. You are not worth it.

Know this: Apples are part of the rose family.

Writings of Life

I changed my blog title yet again, to something more neutral, not revealing too much. I realised that when I changed it the last time round, it was on the basis of spontaneity, a spur of the moment. Hence, irrational. Now that my mind has cleared and I am thinking straight, I am more confident of this one. Indecisiveness, be gone.

Anyway, I am kind of in a pickle right now. I am confused. Only my family understands my current unsettling plight. Everything seems to be pointing to a particular direction. A direction that leads to unthinkable consequences. Do not worry, friends, I am not remotely as stress about this situation as I may lay it out to be. Do not question nor try to sympathize, for it could all be wistful thinking.

My teenage woes are getting more interesting, though at times it may be hard to grapple. We live and we learn. I am glad some things are hard to get. Easiness often deprive us of having some fun.

Do not settle for less. But is he really 'less'?

Know this: The greatest revenge of all is living well.

Every Morning

Every morning, at 6.40am I make my way to the bus-stop. I'll wait for the bus for about 3 minutes. Every morning, the pretty model-esque lady will wait with me. She has a tattoo of a flower on her right ankle and another tattoo of stars on her left foot. I noticed them because I thought they were rather tasteful. She bathes every morning as it is evident with her wet and shampooed- smelling her. Once, she sheltered me into the bus when it was raining heavily. Although I had brought an umbrella on that particular day, I packed it away knowing that a few seconds in the rain as I board the bus will not kill. But she insisted that I take her offer. So I did and thanked her graciously. Every morning, I look forward to her out-fit. She has great fashion style and a good figure. When the bus sends us to the bus interchange, she will walk ahead of me towards the MRT station. She glances at her reflection at the store windows. So do I, at my own reflection. We never spoke. But I know I will be concerned if I do not see her at the bus-stop, one day.
Every morning, at 6.40am, a boy from another JC makes his way to the bus-stop too. Make no mistake, he is not my type. Once, he injured his foot so he put on sandals for about a week. Together, we will wait for the bus to arrive. Most of the time, after alighting I walk ahead of him. So I am not sure where he goes after alighting the bus. He looks friendly. I too will ponder if he disappears one fateful morning.

Every morning at 6.40am, I wait patiently for the traffic at the primary school carpark to clear. The security guards/ traffic police will give me a signal, gesturing that I can cross. They are rather old. One time, one of the two guards whispered "Hurry, or you will miss the bus." I was intently listening to my MP3, as so he thought. I could tell he did not expect me to hear it. It was more like a silent prayer, hoping that I will make it in time for the bus. I glanced over, and he missed my eye-contact. I walked on like it never happened. Secretly, I thanked him for being so concerned. I missed that bus. But another one came not long after. I hope he felt relieved.

One time, a bus arrived at the bus-stop before I did. Confident that I will not make it, I strolled to the bus-stop. Suddenly, I realised that the bus was not moving. No one was alighting, neither was there anyone boarding it. It took me a while before I realised that that kind bus driver was waiting for me. I have seen him before so he must be aware of my schedule. I smiled and thanked him politely. He reciprocated with a nod and a smile. What a kind man, I thought.

My routine every morning causes me to formulate these subtle attachments to the people I see every single day. Unknowingly, they are my friends. We do not text each other to meet at the bus-stop. It is instinctive. They become a part of my morning. I hope I am a part of theirs too. I will see them again tomorrow, and the next day. I will see them every morning.

Know this: Spiders usually have eight eyes, but still they cannot see that well.